Memoir of A Runaway Princess
by Senny-chan
Summary: Yuffie Kisaragi just hit her old man between the eyes with a shoe, kicked her fiancée where the sun don’t shine, and stole her family’s prized treasure. To make things stranger, she finds herself living with a suicidal ex-assassin in a rundown mansion. AU
1. Record 01

_MeMoirs oF a RunAway PrincEss  
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**Record 01:**

**b**_L_a_m_E i_**T**_ oN t**H**e _A_L**c**oHo_L_

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_I blame the booze._

_Did you know booze is called liquid courage? That's because one sip and you can LOSE YOUR FUCKING MIND. You think I'm lying don't you? DON'T YOU? Well fuck you! I can even prove it. Booze is the reason (probably) while I'm here- 17, with an armful of shiny thingies and a fricken monster pack on my back, running like all hell is after me in smack dab in the middle of nowhere.  
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_Seriously.  
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_I mean it's not every day you run off with your families' crown jewels I suppose. Go figure. What? Quit looking at me like that! It's not that I'm a bad girl or anything, I just happen to have um well…I can't really call it 'sticky fingers'…more like a…oh….kleptomaniac tendency. And no I'm not that kind of psychopath that steals for the SEXUAL THRILL. I __**would**__ if that was my kink though. What's my kink? Hair pulling. Grab me, maybe throw me over the knee and go to town-  
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_-__I really DO have problems don't I?_

…_um…maybe I'm just kidding. Why would an innocent girl like me be into something so perverted? Especially an under aged chick whose daddy dearest was a rich bitch? Oh damn. Rambling._

_Riiight…..back to the reason why I'm running full speed through the woods in the middle of the night, my undies riding high and giving me a case of swamp ass I never before dreamed of, huffing and puffing like a fat kid on a tread mill, carrying a shitload of shiny-es. Shiny-es? Is that even a word? Or is it shinies? Shiny? Shiny thingies? Yeah we'll leave it at that. Dammit. _

_Anyway, allow me to tell you the epic story of my grief- and love. And of course, can't have a story without an evil plot to annihilate humanity as we know it right? It's a story filled with insane nut jobs, high speed car chases, bad guys, mission impossible to the tenth power, and a whole lotta boom boom._

_It's a story that will quite literally make you vomit from the insanely epic randomness of it, make you laugh until milk shoots out of your nose, or possibly make you wonder for the ten thousandth time why you are still reading this shit. But, seriously, why are you? You don't have anything better to do or something than worry about the life and drama of a kleptomaniac princess and her zombified man bitch? Oh damn. Didn't mean to go there yet. Er…nothing to read here, carry on. _

_Any who, this will likely have you in tears, crying for the fate of the white flower of the Wutai household, the gorgeous lily of the field, the wonder-fully brilliant…wonder-fully? Where the hell do these weird words come from? _

_Anyway, let us go back…to the very beginning….whoooo…..I hear sound affects help this thing go by faster…oooooo…..are you flashbacking with me yet? Whooo…oooo AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE? ENTER THE DAMN FLASHBACK ALREADY. Gawd._

…_.I swear if I look up one more time and you're still there…._

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The noble Wutai.

In this, modern day times, it was a family whose power and wealth were still endless, and whose noble origins linked back to the most powerful of kings . The Wutai clan was a family of noble minded beings, groomed for positions of power since birth. Their titled 'princes' were noble, courageous, fearless men, also known as being fierce fighters, per clan rules. And their 'white roses' or 'princesses' were even more so- they were groomed to be gorgeous, impeccable beauties, regal and noble, yet filled with compassion and womanly strength.

And so these descendants were…until the 5th generation leader Godo had a daughter. And things just went downhill from there.

This was Yuffie Kisaragi, currently the 23rd 'white rose' _(or more like wild rose)_ of the Wutai. Who also _(unfortunately)_ happened to be a simple minded, rambling, systematically insane, underdeveloped kleptomaniac ditz prone to bouts of unexplainable randomness- especially when she was bored.

And the princess was bored.

She sat, the damn kimono sash tied around her waist so tightly she felt for sure that her ribs were collapsing even as _they_ spoke- _they_ being the old grandmas and grandpas, that stupid Godo, and that fat flabby excuse for a fiancée whose head was shaped like a hambone. They were sitting here, smiling and toasting to a union that she didn't give a flying fuck about. Damn old people. Damn ham bone headed babies. Damn drunk fathers who set up arranged marriages with their children over poker.

Here she was, wearing the kimono of broken backs, the death trap heels of doom, the heavy earrings of stretched lobes, the diamond crick-in-the-neck-necklace, the whore make up of sluttiness, and the corset of snapped ribs underneath- not to mention the serious case of swamp ass this damn thong was giving her!

She didn't even pretend to smile- she grimaced, and hoped she made that face where Godo told her she looked like a smiling pig on crack. Hell, she had half a mind to belch, or lean back and rip a fart so horrendously awful that it would make their eyes bleed and their noses slide off of their faces like jelly on a wall. Not that she'd thrown jelly at a wall just to hear the sound it made mind you. Wait. There was that one time…nah but that had been peanut butter. And peanut butter didn't count.

No- the depths of this boredom ran so deeply that it bordered on insanity. Yes…any moment now, she was going to flip the damn table, strip down to her bra and panties, and run screaming out the room singing the peanut butter jelly song. But that one wasn't crazy enough…she had to sing something that would strike terror into the hearts of all who heard her…it must be something that would chill the marrow in the bones of all around her- something that would haunt them ever after unto death…she would sing the…._SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THEME SONG!_

They would hear it hours after she sung it! It would annoy the hell out of them all day! They'd never be able to get it out of their damn heads! She cackled to herself, rubbing her hands together under the table. Oh how their ears would suffer…

"Ladies and Gentlemen! If you will!"

She looked up, her eyes raising towards the man at the other length of the elaborate table, a bold man who eloquently raised his glass high. She wanted to tie him down and pluck out everyone of his nose hairs with a pair of tweezers. Or maybe strip him naked and throw him in a gay bar and hope he got ass raped. But maybe she would save the last one for ham bone head beside her. He didn't think she saw that fat, grubby hand reaching for hers on the table. She felt her pulse begin to tick, and before she knew it, she lifted her chopsticks high and brought them down full force on the back of his hand.

He squealed like a pig and jerked his hand away, his beady eyes staring at her wounded from the depths of his flabby face. She smiled sweetly.

"Oh my! I'm _SO _sorry! I'm just rather shy! So maybe we should hold all of that off until we're legally married and bound forever and ever ever in the never ending hell that is holy matrimony?"

She inwardly smirked.

Haha fatty.

No nookie for you.

And he wasn't going to get any either, if she had anything to say about it- _(which she didn't)_ so she was pretty much fucked either away. Legally binding contracts be damned!

The room of respectable people quieted down as her father- the most respectably respectable of them all- cleared his throat to make his announcement.

"I'm glad that you could all make it here tonight, for this- my lovely daughter Yuffie's and my future son in law Harold's union- I couldn't be happier to see such a wonderful couple joined together in holy matrimony."

And then he clapped, and the old people clapped, and Harold's happy ass clapped and she threw up in her mouth a little.

"Although my daughter still seems a little nervous- as a proper bride should be- I have no doubt that she will make a fitting wife for Harold"-she wondered if he would say that after Harold rolled over on her in bed and smothered her to death with his fat rolls. _Squish **Squash**_. Bye bye Yuffie.

"And I pray that in the future, my lovely daughter makes me even happier by providing this family with its next prince or princess!"

Cheers and shouts abounded all around. And she smiled and bobbed her head agreeably even though she looked at Harold and knew there was no chance in hell she was going to let that pork chop get on top of her. She'd rather eat her own eyeballs with fudge and sprinkles with a cheery on top thank you very much.

She turned away from him, grabbing her wine glass and filling it to the brim. She was going to need to be drunk as a skunk to make it through all of this shit. She threw it back, the warm buzz sating her temper a little, and she didn't hesitate to pour another of the five hundred dollar a bottle wine- hey, daddy _was_ paying right? She'd show him alright! She was going to sit here, sulk, and drink booze until her breath stunk to high heaven, and then she was going to run around breathing in every body's faces. Hell why drag it out any longer than she had to? She threw back another glass amid the pleasant murmurs of the old fuckers she was quickly beginning to hate more than usual.

"In fact- I'm feeling like a sated old grandpa just looking at the two of them! And I have therefore made the decison that I will not hold these two off any longer- and that tomorrow, we shall go ahead and hold the wedding!"

She'd just raised her seventh glass to her lips when he announced it, and she turned and spurted a shower of booze water and spit directly into Harold's face. Harold grimaced, dabbing at his face with a embroidered handkerchief as her mouth dropped and her stomach fell into her feet. There was **_NO WAY_** this could be happening. But seeing the proud look on daddy-fuck-him-dearest it was _way _happening.

As everyone around the elegant table burst into applause, she dabbed at her mouth with her napkin, even though she wanted to turn to Harold and barf in his face.

_Damn damn double damn, damnation, damnfiggity, damniggity, DAMN._

She'd thought she had more time to convince him otherwise, thought she'd had more time to beg, plead. bitch and moan to him how fucking _UNFAIR_ everything was! But she'd be damned if he hadn't read her mind and beat her to it! Was he _that _willing to part with her, and finally let her be someone else's problem? She was _fucked._ With this new upset, she was dead meat.

The old people were practically stroking out and having heart attacks with happiness, and her dad was so concerned about her eggo getting preggo, and adding up the cash money he was going to rake in off of her, that he wasn't caring a rat's ass about her feelings. And fatso hambone pork chop beside her was looking at her like he'd just walked into Mcdonald's during happy hour.

She couldn't breathe. She was so keyed up, so pissed off, that she knew it wouldn't take much to make her go boom-

"To mark this momentous occasion and the union between our households- I say let us have a kiss!"

"Yes! Wonderful! Let the two kiss!"

Harold grabbed her shoulders, spun her towards him, and smacked his fleshy lips ( _AND OH GOD HE HAD LETTUCE IN HIS TEETH_) squinting his beady eyes, so close up on her she could smell the potatoes and gravy on his breath. Oh _hell_ naw.

There comes a time in every girl's life where they _**lose their freaking minds**_- and maybe it was just her time. Perhaps it was her boredom, bordering on insanity- or perhaps it was Harold, who of course was at fault for being such a flabby fat ass. Or-_(as it always is)_ it was the root of all evil- alcohol. Who the hell let's an under aged bride guzzle down wine? The Wutai, that's who. Tradition be damned. She was blaming it on the alcohol.

She raised her leg, took her death trap heels of doom, and socked his flabby ass right in where she was sure his nonexistent penis was. _As if_ he could find it under all that flab. _Damn_. Too late to bet him a dollar to find his penis.

Harold gave a horrific screech of pain, like a cat being flushed down the toilet, and fell back onto the table flopping like a beached whale. The entire table flipped up from his weight, and dishes rained from it on the shocked spectators sitting around it watching in horror.

Mrs. Wong's hair got covered in potato salad, wine spilled all over Mr. Chi's new kimono, Ms. Lee slipped in salad dressing and fell on Mr. Ho, and Mr. Chong laughed so hard he went into cardiac arrest. There were screams, yelling, curses thrown- people sliding in food and falling flat on their backs, broken hips and bones thrown out of wack.

And it was all so _beautiful_- and she realized there had never been a moment where she had been so proud of herself. Almost made her want to tear up a little. She, Yuffie Kisaragi, with one well aimed kick-had single handedly ruined her engagement party in five seconds flat! That just _had_ to be a record! Where was Guinness when you needed 'em?

Suddenly, the table was flipped over again, sending Harold flying through the air like a sack of dead chickens and causing him to fall right on top of Mr. Lee, who had been too busy having an asthma attack to notice. It was Godo who'd done it, inhuman rage written all over his face. He stormed through the chaotic crowd with all the fury of a raging wildebeest, and she blanched.

**"YUFFIE KISARAGI!!!"**

_Shit. _

Time to boogie.

She kicked off her heels, and one quite accidentally _(but not really)_ hit old man Godo right between the eyes, and he went down like a ton of bricks.

She pumped her fist, grinning in victory. Score! Yuffie-1! Old farts who arrange marriages for their teenage daughters-0! She ripped the earrings of stretched lobes from her ears, snatched off the diamond necklace of snapping necks , and scrubbed the whore's make up of sluttiness from her face. She threw the jewel's on her father's chest, pausing to blow a raspberry in his face.

"Fuck you, fuck this wedding, fuck Harold…_eww_. _No._ Anyway, fuck all you old people, and fuck this family! I'm tired of being a fricken proper lady, I'm tired of not being able to go anywhere without having to tag along with human meat puppets! I want to see the world, I want to wear a shirt above my navel, I want to wear booty shorts, I want to go clubbing, and I want a _hot_ boyfriend, not some flabby fat ass with a hambone shaped head!"

She ground the words out with a huff, pausing to regain her breath. And for a moment there- she _almost_ felt kind of bad. She had just publicly humiliated him in front of his big wig corporate buddies, trashed his party for her, and ruined an outfit whose total worth was possibly a million bucks. So when he woke up, not only would he be embarrassed, but he would be ashamed, saddened- he wouldn't be able to show his face for months! Not to mention he would lose out on the billion dollar merger that was going to occur when she married Harold. After the aftermath of her massive temper tantrum- she should be guilty. This was the part of the story where the naughty princess was supposed to beg for forgiveness from her father, and sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of the clan.

Pssh. What the hell did they think this was, Lifetime? _Fuck that._

She lifted up her foot, and slammed it right into her Father's belly. His suit button popped, ricocheting off the wall and slamming right into Harold's eye as he struggled to get up off , and he went down again like Moby dick.

And then, because she knew he hated it when she cursed- "uncouth" he called it- she spat a few more choice words into his face.

"Fuckity Fuck fuck! DAMN SHIT DAMN_** MOTHER FUCKING BITCH BALLS**_."

She ripped open the kimono, chucking the fabric onto the head of Mr. Cho, who she knew was a closet pervert and would probably go into one of his smell induced sexual highs. She ran from the elaborate meeting room, in the corset of broken backs and the thong of swamp assiness, barefoot down the hall and to her room.

She knew she didn't have time- her father would no doubt sound the alarm momentarily any moment now, to sort out the chaos and drag her back in there, and make her eat carpet while he ground out a million apologies. But she didn't regret it- that was a word that wasn't in her vocabulary. She was aware of her own actions _(most of the time)_ and she'd known that something like this was coming, sooner or later.

She was a 'princess' of the Wutai clan, and as befitting such a noble lineage, she'd been forced since she could walk to comply with the most boring shit imaginable. Etiquette classes- with a bunch of kowtowing and pussy footed embroidering. _Who the hell_ still embroidered these days anyway? Pansies, that's who. Hell, clothing that showed skin was considered 'distasteful' and anything above the ankles was 'scandalous'- what the hell was this? Medieval times? The programs she could watch, the materials she could read- all censored, due to the fact that some things would 'hinder her advancement into a pristine and well bred lady'. Hell, she wouldn't have even learned her favorite 'sentence enhancers' if it weren't for lazy guards, or even the true world that was out there _(and not that happy go lucky shit they always showed her) _were it not for misplaced magazines by the maids and help.

Not to mention all those frickin balls and galas, where she had to fight drooling brain dead in a corner while all of her cousins bragged about their Gucci bags and imported dresses straight from Paris, their snotty rich country-club, golfing, white collar husbands and the size of their diamond rings. Fuck that.

She wanted more out of her life than this superficial way of living, wanted more than this sheltered environment, these snotty rich kids without a shred of honesty. She wanted to _live _dammit, not just exist. People said all the time that they were lucky to be living so comfortable, but that was nothing but bullshit. Sure they lived comfortably, but what had they lost in exchange? Freedom. The Wutai family couldn't go for a Sunday drive without being in an armored car, couldn't walk outside without a hoard of bodyguards and bullet-proof vests, couldn't even eat without some poor fool taste testing their food first. This kind of life- wasn't the one she wanted.

The only cool part about this lifestyle, if nothing else, was the fact that she had been raised according to the age old Wutai tradition that existed even in these modern times, of teaching all the women the basic ninja arts. The only pleasure she could get in this boring place was the fact that she could knock out goons as much as she pleased and not get sued for it! Sure, swinging giant shruiken at people and watching them piss their pants and run for cover was hella cool, but it didn't overshadow how meaningless her life was here.

Sure, Godo, for all his bitchassness, was a decent father, but in the end she was the same to him as she was to everyone else. A glorified pawn. Sure, she could be a naive imbecile 95% of the day, but she wasn't so stupid that she didn't know the only reason the Wutai clan had 'princesses' was to expand the family lineage, and throw them to the wolves if need be.

Bottom line was that she was tired of all this rich girl crap.

Hell, she wanted to live in a dangerous area, where she would have to carry a gun in her purse, she wanted to go out after midnight, she wanted to…to get mugged in a back alley for god's sake!

…okay maybe not _that one, _but you get the idea.

She kicked open the door, and hurriedly locked it behind her, barely registering the horrible filthiness of her room and-_HOLY FLYING SHITCAKES WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SMELL?!!_ She hurried to cover her nose in haste, her eyes watering, nearly gagging from the horrible stench in her room. But she didn't have time to remind herself of what a nasty, dirty, whore she was, she had things to do, stuff to steal- oh _yeah._ Now that was a thought that made the devil-may-care grin come back on her face.

Daddy dearest thought he was going to run her out the house without a goodbye present? _The hell. _God knows she loved the clan, but when she was done they wouldn't have two nickels between the lot of them. She jumped as a piercing shriek reverberated throughout her room, and she had the good sense to know that it was time to haul ass.

She dived headfirst into the pile of clothing heaped onto her bed, hurriedly pulling on a pair of shorts, literally sucking in her tears as the thong settled even further into the unprotected crack of her fanny. _**Dear God.**_ How the hell did other women deal with this shit? If becoming a woman meant wearing thongs and back breaking corsets, then for fuck's sake somebody had better call Peter Pan because she was never growing up! It was ludicrous enough that Godo had tried to marry her off at seveneteen! The nerve!

She ran her hands along her back desperately, in a pathetic semi attempt to unleash the hell that was a corset, but blanched when she heard running feet echoing down the hall.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _ echoed in her mind like a mantra, as she darted her eyes around her room, her eyes lighting on her wall length dresser. If she could manage to knock it in front of the door, she'd have just enough time to make her epic escape- but that dresser was big as hell- She didn't have time to think! She needed time, and she needed it now! Sucking in a breath, she darted back, and then ran full speed into the dresser- and slammed into it so hard it made her head spin. She fell back flat on her already sore ass, her head pounding.

The dresser barely even budged.

Fail.

"Why you little-!!" she would have loved to have taken a massive chainsaw and make toothpicks out of that damn dresser, when she heard feet pounding right outside her door.

_**"YUFFIE KISARAGI! OPEN UP THE DOOR AND YOU GO IN THERE AND MARRY HAROLD THIS INSTANT! THEN MAYBE I'LL FORGIVE YOU INSTEAD OF FREEZING ALL YOUR CREDIT CARD ASSETS!"**_

She whistled at Godo's voice- he sounded pissity piss pissed, if she had to say so for herself. But she blanched again at the thought of marrying that hambone, choking at the thought, as she hurriedly pulled on a dark sleeveless T-shirt and a half jacket. She hurried to pull random bullshit from the back of her brain as she crawled on the floor to locate her high socks, speaking to him in what she knew sounded like a tearful voice.

"_B-B-But d-daddy I…I…I'm so s-scared…and I….I d-don't want to leave my home…"_

Heart wrenching silence. And then-

"….I suppose so Yuffie. But…you have to understand. I'm not getting any younger these days, and I just want to make sure you're taken care of…"

Hook, line and sucker. She rolled her eyes, wondering for the thousandth time how Godo could be so gullible when it came to her, as she laced up her boots.

"_B-But daddy I…I don't want to be alone…"_

She said the last plea with a lilt that conveyed a broken heart, smirking in her hand at the speechless silence that met it- _damn_ she was good! Hell, she needed her own sitcom! Not to mention a primetime drama! He was probably looking all sad and depressed now- she felt a little bad for lying to him like that, but eh- what was she supposed to do? Go back out there and marry shit for brains? She'd rather gouge her eyes out with a spoon!

She shuffled around her room, feeling on the ground for a bag, anything- only managing to grasp a monstrously large backpack- and where the hell had she gotten that thing? No time to wonder now…

She ran to her dresser, throwing it open and eyeing her underwear drawer with bliss. _'Oh Cotton briefs, how I have missed thee!' _She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into it and roll in panty-induced bliss, but her father's voice broke her happy time.

"Yuffie- how about you come out and we talk about this okay? I'll even forgive you for earlier if you come out now- maybe…if you really think this wouldn't work…I could find you another suitor?"

_What the fuck kind of deal was that? _Did he really think she was that stupid? If it wasn't Harold it would be someone like him, whose bank account overshadowed their faults. And she was done with that, done with this clan, done with this entire life. She was Yuffie dammit, and she wasn't going to be somebody's stupid baby making trophy wife!

Barely concealing her disgust, she started shoving underwear and random articles of clothing into her bag until it was filled to bursting. She paused as her hand fell on something sharp and curved, struggling to remember what it was- before deciding to hell with it and shoving it in her bag anyway. She stood up, stomping the clothes down into the bag with her foot. Then remembering Godo and his goons at the door, she spit out some more good daughter BS, in the hopes that she would have enough time to get the hell out of here.

"Father…give me a moment to think…"

She hoisted the pack on her back- _and damn it was heavy_! She wheezed beneath the weight, nearly keeling over if not for her determination. The semi darkness of the room was bad- especially since she had no idea what she had grabbed and stuffed on her back in the dark. She crept along the wall, grinning in relief as she grasped the silk cloth of the curtain, pulling it back to reveal her wall length window that peered onto the city below.

"Yuffie? Have you decided yet?"

She ignored that nagging voice for a moment, her vision trained onto the beauty before her. As always- the view was so breathtaking that she felt her heart lurch to a stop- and then resound with an excitement that went to the tips of her toes. That endlessly dark sky, sprinkled with pinnacles of light- was as beautiful as the blanket of golden stars that was the city below. Hours, endless hours-_( or minutes, since her attention span was about as long as a gnat's)_- she had stared out on this view, wondering if someday she too could see this world for herself.

It was now or never.

"Yeah Godo. I have."

She slid the door open, the wind whipping about the room and blowing the wisps of her hair about her face. She walked to the edge of her balcony, sucking in a breath as she peered down at the endless darkness below.

Oh shit.

Her stomach dropped to the pit of her belly, and she realized for the first time that what she was about to do could very well kill her. What the _hell_ was she thinking? She slapped her face with both hands, in a attempt to psyche herself up.

She was Yuffie Kisaragi, the 23rd white rose of the Wutai Clan, and a ninja extraordinaire! She knew how to defy gravity for god's sake! But she'd never actually tried…running down…a straight wall before…not to mention a 38 floor complex for that matter. She put her hands on the thin railing, and hoisted herself up, feeling the butterflies in her stomach beginning to panic and eat each other.

She could do this…she could do this- she was _not_ going to fail miserably and go splat like the cat on the sidewalk below, her skull cracked and her brains spilling out like vomit on the paveme- _**HOLY SHITCAKES**_ _**SHE COULDN'T DO THIS.**_

She jumped back off the railing, wondering how long she had before they busted the door down and dragged her happy ass back to her doom and the horrors of marital sex with a flabby girl man.

She was counting down the time until her imminent destruction when suddenly- she looked to her right, and saw another widespread balcony like her own, and for the first time she recalled that Godo's room was right next to hers. Call it fatherly concern, or some kind of sick incest fantasy- Yuffie called it dumb luck. Really, how lucky could she get? She really did love that old fart! And speaking of old fart's-

"Yuffie? Yuffie? Well? What have you decided?"

She grinned, standing up and dusting off her pants as she shimmied back up onto her balcony railing, wishing she could see Godo's face.

"You tell Harold I'll see him in hell m'kay?"

Infuriated silence, and then-

"_**YUFFIE KISARAGI!!!!"**_

She made a flying leap of faith as she leaped across onto his balcony, landing like a cat- well like a cat who'd just had an elephant jump on them, as the pack knocked the wind out of her. Damn fabricated item transport units- she was _so_ burning this pack once this was over. She ran to his balcony door, and blanched when she realized it was locked. Of all the times for him to decide to lock his door!

She fumbled for something, anything to use to pick his lock- then she remembered the fifty million hairpins she had smashed into her skull. She pulled one out, sighing with relief as the rest of them fell from her hair in response. The ornate bun that had been pinned in her hair fell to the floor of the balcony, and she was all too happy to punt it over the edge. Good riddance! She rubbed her skull in orgasmic bliss, reveling in the short strands of her own hair without that damn girly bun stabbed into her brain.

She crouched down, squinting in the dark at the small keyhole in the balcony door. Carefully, using the pin, she stuck it into the lock, twisting and turning- _almost there_, and-

-the alarm went off.

_**[[BEEP!! BEEP!! INTRUDER ALERT!!! INTRUDER ALERT!!]]**_

_**For fuck's sake!**_ How many times could someone fail in one day? She cursed, and she knew it wouldn't be long before Godo and his goon squad realized the alarm was ringing in his room. Deciding to hell with it, she raised her foot and kicked the glass in-

-until she remembered it was bulletproof. Her foot bounced off of the glass like a basketball, and she screamed as she felt a tremor of pain lace up her leg. She cursed and held her foot, hoping around like a flamingo, damning herself once more for her stupidity.

She tried to think, tried to think,- when she backed up against the balcony rail, and something sharp and pointy as hell stabbed her in her back. She yelped like a dog who'd just been shot in the behind, throwing her damned pack of evil from her back and rubbing the sore place. But it wasn't pain that made her eyes tear up. She was out of time, out of luck- nothing to do now but throw a bitch fit and hope Godo didn't sell her to the highest bidder. She sat down, leaning against the balcony rail, pulling up her knees and sighing wistfully as she stared at the city below. From the looks of things- she wouldn't get to see it now- or ever, when Godo caught her.

She sighed wistfully, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand, her vision already blurring with tears. She didn't regret the things she did- and honestly, this was the farthest she'd ever gone, the closest she'd ever gotten to attaining freedom from a life of riches.

'_So long honest living, here I come five kids, daytime soap operas and the gardening club-'_

It was at this moment that subtle light spilled down upon her, pooling into her lap. She turned, and looked up, just in time to behold the full moon bursting from between the dark clouds that had once shadowed it. She stared in awe at its beauty, when in her peripheral vision, something glinted sharply in the dark. She stared at her pack, and there- bursting from the fabric, was the shiny glint of something metal.

She scrambled to her pack on her hands and knees, practically tearing it open, rooting through it until she laid a hold of something cool and biting. Grasping its smooth edge, she pulled it out, her heart pounding. When she held it up to the light, her heart soared. Her practice shruiken!

She fell to her knees in worship, hailing the moon with a creepy shriek of otherworldly praise. She could have eaten her foot, that's how happy she was. She nearly had tears in her eyes as she took the shruiken, now in its folded form, and flipped its four gleaming blades open. She grinned madly in the dark.

Yuffie Kisaragi was back in business.

God must've loved her! She nearly laughed aloud at her lucky break, and grasping the iron circle that linked the four blades, strode to the glass door, unmercifully slashing at its surface. Instantly, a thin line raced along the glass, and the lower half of the door detached and fell in with a piercing crash. She stroke a pose, giving a V for Victory to all her adoring fans-

"They're so many people I would like to thank- My Sensei, for teaching me everything I know, um- Godo for buying his under-aged daughter dangerous weaponry to play with instead of Barbies- Chi Chi, Ming Lee my pet Chihuahuas- I love you guys."

She sniffled with joy, blowing kisses to an imaginary crowd- when she remembered she was supposed to be hauling ass. She slid her shruiken back into its compact form, this time being smart about how she placed it- she couldn't afford to be in the middle of running away and having it stab her in the fanny in mid-stride. Wheezing as she pulled the pack on her back, she stooped down and in through her improvised opening into Godo's room, stepping over broken glass.

Her hand fumbled along the wall for the light switch, but she couldn't find it- then, remembering how much of a rich bitch her father was, she rolled her eyes and clapped her hands. Instantly, the lights came on, illuminating the lavish room, filled with all that useless rich people crap they buy to feel better than everyone else. She took the wall length fish tank for example, filled with everything from cute clown fish to disgusting squids. What the hell did he need a bunch of fish for? And filling an entire wall no less? Rolling her eyes again at the uselessness of it all, she scanned the room, tapping a finger against her lips idly.

'_Now…if I was the Wutai family treasure, where would I be?'_

She frowned, eyes riveting around the room hastily. Knowing Godo and his simple mind, there was really no telling- but knowing him, it was probably in the stupidest place imaginable. At that thought, her eyes zeroed in on the king sized bed, with its silk sheets and canopy.

…but…there was no way he was _that_ stupid right?

She ran to the bed, ripping open the canopy and tearing the pillows and sheets from the bed, tossing them into a disorganized heap behind her, until she got to the white of the fancy imported mattress. Grasping the edge of it with her hands, she flipped the mattress up and over- and nearly fell out at the black briefcase that lay beneath.

'_**FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOULD SELF RESPECTING RICH GUY HID HIS FAMILY TREASURE UNDER HIS MATTRESS?'**_

Godo, that's who. Like Father, like daughter she supposed. Sure, she had a secret candy stash under her mattress, but that wasn't nearly as important as a family heirloom. And speaking of Godo and his never-ending stupidity- she looked up as she heard the clicking of moving fingers over a keyboard- Godo was typing his code into his schmancy fancy security thing-a-ma-bob, and any minute now him and his goons were gonna be all over her like flies on dog poo.

She leaned down to look at the rather ordinary looking briefcase, pondering at what could be in its interior. On its front was a simple keypad, with a small screen blinking with the message: _Password required._

She stared at the screen- she'd gotten this far thinking like a drunk old man, so who knew? She ran her fingers over the keyboard, typing the first thing that came to mind.

_-Godo-_

_-Password Denied-_

_Wutai_

_-Password Denied-_

She frowned, racking her brain as to what his password could be- but it could be anything! She could sit here and type shit all day and still not get it right! She fell back onto the floor, her eyebrows scrunched in thought, her tiny mind spinning with possibilities- knowing Godo, it would be something ridiculous, something he would never, ever think someone would associate with him. So- what was something the exact opposite of Godo's bad ass dad character? Something that if she thought about it and him in the same sentence, it would make her brain explode?

….She shot up, and tried one last time with the password-

_-Dora the Explorer-_

_-….password approved.-_

"…"

She honestly didn't know if she should be pleased, scared shitless or pumping her fist, until she heard the latches of the briefcase unlock and the case pop open with a barely restrained hiss. Raising her eyebrow, she leaned forward curious, as white steam poured out from under the open slit of the case. What the hell was in there, Puff the magic dragon? She placed her hands on the case hesitantly, popping it open. Inside, the case was split into two compartments- one, holding another case- the other, a stack of papers. The paper side looked boring, so she popped open the little case, and instantly her eyes were dazzled.

Inside, were a mass of small orbs, gleaming beneath the artificial light with all the colors of the rainbow. They were ingrained with matching color symbols, and in awe, she lifted one of them up to the light, a symbol of flickering flame shining through the orange colored orb.

"_Woah…"_ she murmured to herself as she stared at the beautiful, dazzling orbs.

So this was the Wutai clan treasure? _Coooool._

She had been expecting diamonds or something, but what she'd found was much better. She didn't know what the hell they were honestly, she'd never seen anything like them. All she knew now was that they were shiny, cool and _hers now._ She grinned evilly as she grabbed a handful of them, as many in her arms as she could hold, shoving in her pockets and down her shirt the ones she couldn't.

Then she strayed another glance to the bound papers, and deciding not to be so stingy towards them just because they weren't cool and shiny, she lifted the little packet from its seat and began to read the first one.

_[[I thank you in advance for your cooperation with Shinra Incorporations. We shall do our utmost to insure that our illustrious investors remain satisfied with the outcome of our project. Your funding shall help us make notable improvements in our protomateria research, and we at Shinra Inc. are confident in our ability to use such research to resolve the current energy crisis. We only ask that out investors maintain the utmost patience, until such a time as our findings have reached fruition and can be formally presented to the board of directors for finalities._

_Thanking you again for your generous donation,_

_Lucrecia Crescent_

_Co- Chairman of Shinra Research Department]]_

She frowned, scratching her head at all the mumbo jumbo she'd just read, trying to make sense of it with her underdeveloped brain. Something , something Shinra, something something protomateria- eh, she gave up. She couldn't help but notice though, that it was dated quite awhile ago- 40, no, maybe 30 years ago? Daaamn, she'd known Godo was _old, _but from the date of this he should be ancient! Shuffling through the papers, she picked another at random, holding it up to the light.

[[_We at Shinra Inc. apologize immensely for the immeasurable loss that has occurred at Recon. Lab #227, 'Shinra Manion'. We at Shinra both acknowledge and regret the loss of intell that has occurred due to the chemical mishap involving the protomateria research also mourn the loss of those dedicated researchers and staff who were fatally harmed in the accident, and send our condolences to the families.  
_

_As such, we have hereby decided to temporarily shut down the research project so as not to have any more regrettable circumstances occur. However, we are also aware of the millions lost in equipment due to the accident, and per request we will be giving to our more illustrious investors a sample of what Shinra Inc. has thus far been striving for. I have presented it to you in a few of Shinra's most notable and irreplaceable treasures, discovered with years of careful research- Materia. _

_Materia, as you may or not know, is an ancient and rare energy source harvested by our ancestors, that encompassed the very essence and raw power of the elements. However, the knowledge involved in creating this very potent energy source has dwindled with the passing of millennia, and as such what you hold in your hands now, is merely a prototype that Shinra Inc has developed using our current technologies. Although it is nothing compared to the known power of the original 'Materia' it is proof that soon, Shinra will no doubt be able to find an economically stable cure for the current energy crisis in due time._

_However, the chemical make-up of these prototypes are currently unstable, and I recommend that they not be tampered with in any way shape or form- but I leave it up to you to decide whether or not personal experience with them shall sate your curiosity once more as to the ultimate goal of the Chaos project._

_However, if you do so, do so with extreme caution._

_Hojo_

_Chairman of Shinra Research Department]]_

She scanned through the letter again, but this one made waaay more sense to her teenage brain. Apparently, the cool shiny ball thingies that were currently rolling out of her shirt and bursting her pants pockets were called 'Materia.' She looked at one curiously- this one was a sky blue, with a funny squiggle of lines etched into it. From what that Hojo guy had said, then what she was holding was some kind of ancient caveman super powered kryptonite or something. But the stuff he was saying- an Energy Crisis? How could that be true, with the city so bright and shiny looking below her balcony window? It obviously must be solved by now- she was reading some old man's love letter to Godo after all- it had to be, with this much ass kissing. _'Illustrious Investors'_ they said- she rolled her eyes. Obviously they had never met Godo in person, or they would know how much of a douche he was.

But still- this 'Shinra Corp' had really been planning to use this ball thingy to power cities and stuff? She eyed it doubtfully, tossing its weight up and down in her hand. It seemed highly unlikely to her. _'Extreme Caution'_ he'd said, _'not to be tampered with'_ he'd said. She scoffed. As if this glowing jawbreaker could do anything-

A body slammed into hers with all the force of a rampaging elephant, and she went down almost as hard as her grandma had at the Wutai formal gathering when she found out her hundred year old hubby had been cheating on her with some Anna Nicole wanna be.

She felt the wind whoosh out of her lungs as happy ass goon number one over her held her down with both hands, not even giving her time to breathe before he was shoving her face back down into the carpet. She cursed inwardly, as she tried to spit out the fake fur lodged in her throat_. Dammit!_ That's what she got for taking the time to read stuff for once! From here on out, she was never reading shit again!

Suddenly a shiny black boot appeared in front of her face, and she gulped as she looked up the length of that towering form to behold the red face of her father, at what seemed miles above her. She smiled sheepishly.

"H-hey Godo! Um…what brings you here?"

His face was dark, flushed so red that she could imagine a blood vessel bursting in his forehead. And his voice was so friggen scary when he answered her, that she could have shat bricks, so dark and dismal were his words.

"This. Is. My. Room."

Ho shit. She blanched. Rambling time.

"…of course it is…you're probably wondering what I'm doing in here huh? Well I um……needed some toilet paper. Seriously, that sushi at the table ran right through me, and I didn't want to squat down and be screwed so I decided to just waltz on over here and get some. But your door was locked so I had to jump on the balcony- but then the balcony door was locked so I had to break the window, and then your bathroom didn't have toilet paper and I was like _'What the fuck?'_ and I had to use something so I thought about just using your bed sheets cause I _reeaaaallly_ had to go but then once I'd got them off I realized your mattress was turned label side up and you should never turn a mattress label side up so I flipped it over and when I did I saw this briefcase and I was like _'Kick Ass!'_ cause maybe you're like, a super spy or something so I decided to open it and see if you had like cool gizmos inside but I didn't know the password so I started guessing and it accidentally opened and all these orbs were inside and I was all _'Cool! Shiny!'_ and-"

"Yuffie Kisaragi."

Oh damn.

He had that –you're-about-to-get-hell tone in his voice- it was too late now to wish she'd made a break for it when she had a chance- but no, she just _had _to give him the final 'fuck you!' by trying to steal the Wutai family jewels. Damn her and her love for drama! She'd hadn't really believed that she would get caught after breaking into his room, but she'd gotten so happy that she'd let her guard down- dammit! She lowered her head in shame, as she met his eyes, and saw the sadness in them. And despite her earlier promise, regret hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Yuffie. I am very disappointed in you. Now only did you ruin the engagement party, harmed your guests, your fiancée- you even went so far as to try and steal from me. Your own father? Is nothing beneath you? Or did you loath life beneath me so much? Have I not given you anything you ever wanted? Have I not given you everything you desired? The best schooling, the best clothes, the best of everything- and now you _spoiled little brat_, you don't even want to pay me back for everything I've done for you?"

She bit her lip, sneakily maneuvering the shiny orbs into her arms, grasping tight to the one she still held in her hand as she looked defiantly into his eyes.

"You never gave me the one thing that mattered."

He scowled at her, and in return she stuck her tongue out at him. His frown further deepened, especially as he viewed the few orbs rolling across the floor that she wasn't laying on. He bent down to pick one up, his frown deepening even further, until his entire face was suddenly overwhelmed by a deep shadow. And his face lowered to hers, his eyes clearly bulging, the vein in his forehead pulsating beneath his skin. And this time when he spoke to her, it was with barely contained restrain- words uttered so strongly she winced at the spittle coming out of his mouth as he ground them out.

"_You little fool._ Do you have any idea what these are!? Do you have any idea how dangerous these things are? Give the rest of them to me right now!"

_**Woaaaah-**_ his voice was border line psycho maniac now, but he'd already made a big mistake. He'd _demanded _to her that she give him something- with his glaring eyes and frown, it was obvious that he really wanted those shinnies. Sucked for him, because she'd called them first. She pouted, scowled, and got ready for war. Bitch fit mode had just been activated.

"_**No."**_

He ground his teeth together, his hands clenched into tight little fists. He looked as if he would've liked nothing better to drag her up and punch her. Shame she hadn't been a boy.

"_**Now. **_Yuffie."

"No way Jose."

"_**Yuffie."**_

"Nu uh."

"Yuffie, you don't have any idea what you're holding its-"

"Yeah, yeah Materia, blah blah blah."

His eyes widened even further, and he staggered back, his brows arched high above his flashing pupils. He pointed an accusing finger at the briefcase, which was still gaping open like a traitor. She glared at the briefcase, mentally willing it to snap shut. No such luck.

"You…you read those?"

She looked away, feigning ignorance.

"I plead the fifth."

"Yuffie-"- and suddenly it got even scarier, because Old man Godo was beginning to look like he'd just stepped on a baby –"Yuffie…please tell me you don't know anything about what was in that briefcase. Please tell me you don't know anything."

His eyes were pleading with her, begging her- and suddenly for the most bizarre reason, she began to get scared. Suddenly, he was making this seem bigger than just her escape her wedding/get-away plan. He was making this into some freaky Friday shit. Hell, he was looking at her as if Michael Myers was about to hop out the fish tank swinging a bloody machete!

….she looked over her shoulder just in case. No Michael Myers…yet. She glared at the squid floating so casually along, her eyes narrowed. _'I'm on to you Squidward.'_

"Yuffie!"

She snapped back to attention, and gave Godo's pleading face a shaky smile.

"Well…_hypothetically_ speaking…I _may _have read one…or two. But of course, don't mind me, I'm drunk off my ass. I can prove it too, watch. Would a sane person do this?"

She crossed her eyes, letting her mouth gape open like a rotting fish and began making 'duh' noises that made her sound mentally handicapped. She rolled her eyes around in her skull, and began repeatedly banging her head into the floor. The goon holding her down was beginning to give her that look that the nanny gave her when she caught her trying to eat her goldfish. The _'What the fuck is wrong with this chick?'_ look that was the family favorite when it came to her.

She grinned into the goon's face, barely getting started. _'You ain't seen nothing yet kiddo.'_

She lifted her head again, slobbering, snorting like a pig- but she shot up to quick, and her head accidentally rammed right into goon guy's face over her. He reeled back clutching his nose, running blindly into the other goon that had followed Godo into the room and stood behind him trying to look all bad ass.

Goon number two stumbled backwards from the impact of bleeding-nose-guy, and slipped on a stray materia that had rolled innocently beneath his feet. Together, they collapsed against the fish tank with such impact that the glass shattered, salt water pouring gushing all over them in an endless stream.

"_**OH MY GOD!! MY EYES!!! MY FUCKING EYES!!"**_ Goon number two screamed, rubbing his eyes, currently filled with salt water, he stumbled around blindly, slipped on a flopping fish, and fell head first into the wall, slamming into it so hard a crack raced through the plaster. Instantly, he flopped back like a dead man, his eyes lolling around in his head. Bleeding-nose-goon didn't have it any better- when the tank exploded over his head, Squidward the giant squid latched onto his bald head with seemingly innocent glee like a kid with a lollipop.

He ran around the room in a panic, a muffled scream filling the room as he pulled futilely at the squid's tentacles. She, in her heroine style glory, was staring around dumbly , when bleedy-nose-tentacle-head guy tripped right over still sprawling goon number two, and bumped into the currently stupefied Godo. A 'ooph' burst from his lips as he was full body tackled, and together him and bleedy-nose-tentacle-guy fell through the already semi-broken balcony window onto the balcony cement, shattering what remained of the glass. Then they too were still.

She stared around her dumbfounded- fish flopping pathetically on the water soaked carpet, cracks in the wall, a dead guy on the floor, another dead guy with a flesh eating Squid on his face and her probably dead father on the shard covered balcony.

She looked around the trashed room, lifting up slowly, her arms still clutched tightly around the orbs still in her possession. Eyes wide, she stood up, walking hesitatingly over to the balcony. She stared down into Godo's face, and taking in his half dead face, she tentatively spoke.

"Godo…?"

She nudged him with the toe of her boot, and he groaned nonsensically in reply. She felt a wide grin split her face. Then she leaned forward with a diabolical smile.

"…_YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!"_

She yelled into his face, cackling evilly with triumph. She didn't know what the hell had just happened, all she knew was that the dust had cleared and she was the winner. She wanted to break out and do the hustle, or maybe the electric slide. She stepped around Godo's lifeless form, puffing out her chest with victory. And of course, like any self respecting heroine, she would seize this opportunity to make her dramatic getaway-

…-right after her victory speech.

She grinned even wider, placing her foot on Godo's chest like a conquering warrior, she lifted her arm high, thrusting one of her prizes into the sky, the pretty sky blue one with the squiggles. She didn't know why the hell she was yelling, or why she was in the sudden mood for tom foolery, but all she could think was she had _earned_ this dammit!

"LET IT BE KNOWN THAT THIS DAY, I, YUFFIE KISARAGI, SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED MY DOUCHEBAG FATHER AND HIS STRONGEST WARRIORS IN MORTAL COMBAT! AND TO THE VICTOR GOES THE SPOILS! LET THE EARTH TREMBLE AT MY MIGHT, LET THE WIND-"

She paused, as something weird began to happen. The orb in her hand began to pulse- no, shake in her hand like her first dog had done when she'd given him chocolate. But this was no shuddering seizure- this was like a mini _earthquake_ going off in her hand! The tremor raced along her arm, and before she knew it, her entire body was shaking. She opened her mouth- whether to scream or curse, she hadn't decided yet- but her teeth rattled together so bad it made her head ache. She tried to throw it, tried to let the orb go, but the really stupid part about it was that her hand _wouldn't _let go. The tremors were in her brain, rattling her skull- she had enough sense to know that she really needed to get the damn thing away from her or else- when it suddenly stopped.

She gasped, sucking in a much needed breath, shakily lowering her still tingling arm. Wh…What the hell had been up with that? She looked at the orb distrustfully now- was it alive or something? Was it pissed off? Did it have gas? Was it a bomb about to nuke the Wutai clan out of existence? She stared at it hesitantly, the innocent glow evil now. She had half a mind to chuck it, but it was _so_ pretty…

And suddenly, the orb in her hand flickered, light bursting within and roaring to life. She screamed as some inhuman force seized hold of her, and to her horror, she was thrown head first over the balcony. She closed her eyes, screaming as something grabbed her, spinning her around and around in mid air like a spinning top. She held back her barf, opening her eyes and her brain going into maximum overdrive as she realized one very important thing- _she was flying through the air like a fricken air plane._

She screamed as she was blasted off through the air at what may have very well been the speed of time, and she probably should have been doing like all the other flying anime heroines and having the time of her life- if she hadn't been so busy crying like a pansy and practically wetting herself.

'_ohgogohgodohgodpleasedon'tkillmeI'llbeagoodgirlmommyIpromise'_- she chanted in her head, horror making her slam her eyes shut once more as she was sucked through the air, the wind roaring in her ears, and she instinctively could feel how far she was off the ground. There was also the fact that someone was screaming in her ears, and she wanted to tell them to shut up, but she was far too terrified to know it was her.

All she knew was that she wanted down, she wanted sweet, sweet land- her curiosity be damned, Godo could keep his damn orb thingies, all she wanted was to _LIVE. _

'_Oh dear god if you put me down I'll NEVER steal again! I won't go back to Godo or Harold-hell no- but we can work something out just please put me down- '_

Her hand trembled again, and her mind had enough sanity in it left to realize that it was the orb shooting her through the sky like superman on steroids. Of course! She had to make it stop! But how do you make an inanimate object stop? She racked her brain, yelling off random commands in her panic.

"HALT! CEASE! DECIST! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA!"

_**DamnDamnDamn**_ none of them were working! She wracked her brain- maybe it was like an express jet and was whisking her somewhere- of course! A destination! That was it! She sucked down more bile, feeling her head spinning- oh _hell,_ the only places she could think of were Wutai vacation homes located halfway around the world, and the fuck if she was riding the Orb Express for 6 hours. She clung to some random particle of information- and shot out the words that sealed her fate.

"_Shinra Mansion!"_

And as she flew away into the dark, it was far too late for her to wonder if it still even existed.

* * *

_AN: I apologize for making Yuffie into such an insane, trash talking potty mouth D:_

_But I was challenged to try and write a kinda of modern-ish Yuffentine, complete with the Wuta, Shinra etc. so I was like SURE WHY NOT. I even made another account to post this fic, so my reviewers on my main couldn't hunt me down and kill me for starting YET ANOTHER new fic. Hoped you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it xD  
_

_But Yeah...LMAO. Read and review m'kay? I no own FF7, but I sure wish I did :,(_


	2. Record 02

_MeMoirs oF a RunAway PrincEss  
_

* * *

**Record 02:**

**F**_o_R _A_ PeSsImT _I'_M P**r**e**TT**_y_ _O_p_**T**i_m_i_S_t_I**_C_**

* * *

_I suppose it wouldn't be until a bajillion years later, that I would realize exactly how simply and easily I FUCKED UP MY LIFE. Yeah, it was all fun and cool at the time, like 'Oh shiz I just owned my peeps with one hand tied behind my back! Phuck yeahz!11!' Yeah, in case you didn't know dear reader, THAT is how stupid people operate. But anyway- back to how I- Mrs. shit-for-brains- AKA underdeveloped (my boobs are growing dammit!) kleptomaniac, hyperactive ditz, stumbled upon the biggest conspiracy since the moon landing. AND YES THAT WAS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT. NANANANANA I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU RAMBLE._

_(For serious! If you look really hard, you can even catch the camera man's reflection off the back drop!)_

_But I digress- I'm trying to sound at least a teeny tiny bit coherent (ho shit I knew that word?) because what happened after that epic escape (which OWNS anything you've ever done foo) very well changed my entire grasp on REALITY._

_Because after that hellish skyride of doom, I met the man who I would hate, damn, want to rape-cough- and a whole bunch of other crazy shit I had yet to understand. Truth be told, he __**was**__ a suicidal nut job with a hot bod and a sexy head of hair (the lucky bastard)- actually…on second thought- he was more like a PSYCHOTIC, PERVERTED, NARROW MINDED, STUFFY,BORING TIGHTWAD, NECROPHILIAC who was about as cool as watching gramps eat oatmeal. _

_But….he was still mind blowingly sexy. I'm talking about that kind of sexy that makes your entire body turn to mush, and makes you babble like the idiot you probably are. (And also the kind that has you naked before you even remember so much as pulling a zipper)_

_But hey, that was Vinnie for you._

* * *

'_**Are you there God? It's me again, Yuffie. Instead of telling you what a cruel, evil bastard you are for killing me so early, instead, for the rest of eternity I'm going to bitch about shit I COULD have done if you weren't feeling so stingy. I mean, I could have gotten me a really hot man bitc- I mean husband, who would love me forever and ever. He wouldn't mind giving me piggy back rides when I wanted them, he'd bail me out of the slammer when the stupid security camera caught me shoplifting in Walmart, he'd tell yo mama jokes with me, and assure me that yes, I WAS the sexiest bitch alive. Plus-'**_

She paused, her mind slowing to an almost sentimental halt as she thought of her father- it was almost bizarre, to be thinking of him now, especially since she had so willingly freed herself from him. She thought of him- baggy-eyed, dog-faced Godo- and his daily pilgrimage to the family funeral altar. And how each day, without fail- sunrise and sunset- he would light those scented candles in memory of the woman she could not remember. She could just faintly recall, the almost tender look in his eyes when he gazed at her faded photograph, and how lovingly he would stroke it with the tip of his finger.

And before she could take it back, and ruin the precious thought-'_**…he would love me. Very much. So that he'd be sad if I died-'**_

Either fate was one cruel bitch, or decided to semi-grant her wish, she didn't really know. All she knew was that the tree branches that had mercifully stopped her from crash landing and breaking every bone in her body on the ground below, decided she was a big bitch who needed to lose a couple of pounds.

Because they snapped around her so quickly, that before she could say _'bitchballs' _ she was falling, damning every tree she could think of to the seventh layer of hell as those evil branches nearly clawed her to death on the way down.

'_GREAT. NOW I REALLY AM GOING TO DIE. Nooo I didn't choke to death on booze at my engagement party, I didn't kill myself jumping across a balcony, and the skyride from hell didn't give me so much as soggy undies, and here I am, about to die by MOTHERFUCKING TREE. Go figure.'_

Life was a bitch and then you died. Hadn't she learned that already?

But just before she went splickty splat on the ground her humongous pack back took the majority of the force from the blow, so when she did make impact, just the air was whooshed out of her lungs. And _whoosh _as in the sound a balloon made when you blew it up and then promptly let it go. That nasty whoosh that sounded a little like a baby passing gas. Well…a couple of hundred of them anyway.

She lay there on the ground for a moment, wheezing like a car on its last leg, hardly daring to open her eyes- but seriously, _How the hell was she still alive? _By the law of physics, her bones should've cracked on the ground like jelly, her innards spilling out like gummy worms fresh out the bag. But here she was, still alive. Either she had some greater purpose in life _(pssh whatever)_ or she was so fucked up _(damn you booze!) _that she didn't even know she was dead. But the last time she'd seen anything that outrageous was when cousin Ming-Lei had 'accidentally' stumbled her way into the opium cabinet. And of course, she'd spent the entire afternoon thinking she was a cat. Funny thing, beginning a cat. Well if she HAD to be an animal that cleaned its own ass, at least cats covered their own poo.

…_why the fuck was she laying here thinking about poo?_

The sudden thought made her almost want to slam her hand against her forehead. This was one of her problems, this was why Godo said he couldn't afford NOT to sell her off. For one: she was a hyperactive numbskull who could rarely see things through. Well _(as much as she didn't REALLY want to admit it,)_ point noted. She had been thinking of cat poo when she needed to be trying to figure out where the fuck she was, and what the hell had happened in the last five minutes.

She supposed she kind of saw past events in SUPER SLOW MO, and it took her a while to put them all together sometimes. Well, she guessed being as pampered as she has, you didn't really _feel _like you had to do much of anything. And honestly, she didn't have to wipe her own ass if she hadn't wanted too. But she wasn't _that _much of a sick bastard. (But she couldn't speak for those crazy Wutai old people-) _AND DAMMIT SHE WAS DOING IT AGAIN._

God! Couldn't she hold a single train of thought longer than five fucking minutes? What was she _five_? Determined to thwart her own stupidity, she resolved to buckle down and get her shit together.

'_C'mon Yuffie! You're a big kid now, without anyone around to stuff cash in your pockets, feed you anything you want, shower you with praise, succumb to your every selfish whim and desire…even if that's to wear a blond wig and prance around in dresses like life sized Barbie dolls...'_

…On second thought, maybe running away hadn't been the smartest idea she'd had all day. But she'd fucked up now. She couldn't go back, hell, she was too AFRAID to go back, since they'd probably get smart and throw her in a strait jacket for her next engagement party.

She shivered. _The next one. _And that was all it took.

She opened her eyes, blinkingly owlishly at the dark sky above her, the grinning moon that seemed to be laughing at her. But of course she was being stupid again. She managed to make out the skeleton like extensions that were the bitch tree's branches of bitchiness, and she weakly managed to raise her arm and give them the finger.

Oddly enough, it didn't make her feel better.

She somehow managed to roll herself over and onto her knees, wheezing out loud at the weight of the pack on her back. _Sonuvabitch! _This damned thing got heavier by the second! She sucked in a breath and channeled her inner wonder woman, and through a miracle managed to get to her feet.

Of course, they wobbled and felt like wet noodles under her, but dammit they would have to do. She felt delicately along her body in the dark, breathing with relief that she'd hadn't knocked her boobs off her chest or anything. But after a quick grope, she found Mary and Sue to be perfectly intact. She didn't _feel _ any broken bones, but she wouldn't know what to look for if she had so she left it alone, since she was screwed anyway. After reaching down her back and pulling that damn thong once more out of her ass crack, she set about the task of assuring herself all her shinies were there.

She fumbled in the dark, groping in her back pockets and the waistbands of her shorts- and gathered them all in her hand, even the demonic-possessed one that had fucked her over. She felt their weight in her palms, and cursed.

' _I must have dropped a couple on my little joyride! God, you can take the money, the Gucci and prada but you couldn't leave me my shinies? So you hate me THAT much?'_

Obviously.

One more thing to add to the bitch list she supposed. But she couldn't do a damn thing about it now, she thought with a twang of regret as she pocketed the remaining shinies in her backpack- she had to keep moving.

She supposed the reality of her situation had yet to fully sink into her semi-deranged teenaged mind. And within the depths of her own stupidity, she knew her wake-up call was around the corner somewhere. It just hadn't hit her yet.

She couldn't see shit in the darkness- just the vague outlines of trees. And the air was filled with all those scary nighttime woodsy sounds, like chirping crickets, hooting owls, the maniacal screams of some girl being slaughtered in the dark- _wait a tic._ Maybe she was getting her movies confused with reality again. She was doing that a lot lately.

She turned, and did a complete three sixty around her, seeing nothing but the dark outline of forest all around. She was lucky she had managed to fall into this small clearing, a few feet over and she surely would have killed herself falling among the cluttered trees surrounding her. They were so thickly in grown together, that a couple of the trees branches were interlocked.

She seethed, willing the shiny to blame to feel the force of her rage. Hadn't she said _Shinra Mansion_? Was that little sparkly ball full of shit or what? It had dropped her head first into the middle of nowhere!

She resisted the urge to scream her rage to the heavens, by simply taking out her anger on the nearest thing- the bitch tree. She raised her foot and kicked the living hell out of it, until her toe hurt. But hey, somebody had to suffer. But just when she buckled down to give it a full body tackle- she saw something out of the corner of her eye.

It was only a flash of red, crimson, and then it was gone down some invisible trail in the dark.

It could have been a trash bag blowing in the wind, the bloody remains of some zombie corpse, or a serial killer on his way home after handling some business. She _was _in the middle of the woods, near midnight after all. It could have been _anyone._

But hell that was enough for her!

She shouldered her pack, and ran like a track runner on the final stretch into the dark, screaming as loud as she could.

"HEY! WAIT UP WILL YOU! YOUNG DAMSEL IN DISTRESS BACK HERE! WILL WORK FOR FOOD! NOT ANY SEXUAL FAVORS YOU CLOSET PERVERT, BUT ANYTHING ELSE SHOULD BE FINE! HEY! DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID-"

But she stumbled in the dark on a tree root, and it took her a couple of staggering steps to stop herself from falling flat on her already abused fanny. She seethed as she stomped after the jerk in the dark- who willingly abandoned a young hotty willing to offer her services? Did such people even exist?

'_He must be one of them queerosexuals they show on tv...'_

Well that settled it.

She stumbled in the dark, barely registering that she was actually walking a well worn path- in fact, her ninja skills SHOULD have been handy, but _nooo_ she just **HAD** to skip the ninja wildlife skills class because Family Guy had been on. She wanted to shoot herself sometimes.

So for now, she was left to stagger alone down the dark creepy path, willing herself to believe that there weren't any potential rapists lurking around every bend just waiting to jump her bones.

Especially if they were old, saggy, shapeless-_**eww why the hell did she think of that? **_The thought of old wrinkled hands (nevermind that she was going to be a saggy granny one day) feeling up her beautiful skin made her _almost _throw up in her mouth a little. But Harold had already bestowed that honor upon her today, and she wasn't exactly looking forward to doing it again.

In the dark however, her feeble eyesight managed to detect a break in the path- sweet merciful angels on high, the path was ending! Her unbridled joy at finding the hellish night walk almost over, made her forget her pack for a moment and lose herself running like hell.

And she stumbed out of the forest into the open, sweet beautiful freedom, she was fr-

-head fence.

She slammed into the fence so hard, and so unexpected was the impact that she bounced backwards, and was on her ass again before she knew it. This just wasn't her day was it? _Son of a_- she winced, rubbing the abused flesh of her face tenderly, and could almost feel the indent on the wire left from the collision.

'_Hope that doesn't leave a mark...'_ she grumbled to herself as she looked up- and gasped aloud. On the other side of the rusty link fence, in the moonlight, was the vague outline of what at first appeared to be a monstrous warehouse. But no- she squinted her eyes in the dark- she could see eaves and gables and other shit, and over all it seemed a little too cozy to be a warehouse. But it wasn't cozy enough to be a house house. Weird.

She squinted harder- it was hard to tell how big it was from this side, bit it seemed to be at least two stories, and pretty long at that. Maybe it was an abandoned old folks home? A psycho ward?

All she could really tell was that it WAS abandoned- there weren't any lights on, and the line of windows she could see were all boarded up and closed off- it looked pretty shitty from out here too, with messy gutters, a tarnished paint job, complete with faded and rotting wood.

She looked at it, feeling somehow disappointed. _So this is Shinra Mansion? How misleading. _She had been expecting a cool, high tech looking facility, with black suits everywhere with the shades on and the fancy ear pieces. But if she took a moment to think here _(and yes she did think from time to time_) hadn't that letter been dated for a good many decades ago? Honestly, what had she been expecting? She sighed, pressing her forehead against the cool links of the fence.

'_Well Yuffie, say hello to your room for the night.'_

It wasn't exactly the most appealing prospect, but what was a suddenly broke rich girl on the run supposed to do?

* * *

-break in of course.

She stifled a cough as she silently crossed the threshold of the window _(that she had totaled with her giant shuruiken of course) _and dropped down to the floor. The window didn't have any shade, or blinds to speak of, so for the moment it was hanging open, the cool night air and faint beams of moonlight pouring in.

It had been the only window that had not been as tightly bordered up as the others, instead only a few inches of thin metal grating covering the small opening, and it had been pretty close to the ground too- well now she could see why- it led to a friggen basement, if she had to guess.

She looked around, wrinkling her nose at the old people smell. Like death and mothballs. Not exactly a fun combination. Basement indeed. But hell, if she thought it was dark outside! She whistled aloud, reaching forward outside of the moon's rays, her arm all but swallowed in the inky black up to her elbow.

"Hot damn! That's some fucking serious darkness right there!"

She wasn't exactly looking forward to groping around in the dark, but hell she had to get some shut eye or something- she could figure the more complicated shit tomorrow, like how the fuck was she going to get her breakfast egos. And it wasn't like she could do a damn thing with a bag of shinies! Dammit, she knew she should've gone for the credit cards! Hell, she could have at LEAST pawned her kimono or something. But nooo….

She took a hesitant step in the dark, praying to God she didn't trip and kill herself on some miscellaneous sharp pointy object that was sure to be on the floor. The dark seemed to be wrapped around her so firmly, she could barely breathe, much less think- of nothing but how there was sure to be some possessed maniac following her with a machete-

'_Dammit cut that out Yuffie!'_

But she couldn't- and as much as she hated herself from acting like such a punk, she kept thinking of more and more awful things. Surely there was a maniacal demon child behind her about to eat her sou-

-and she tripped, falling forward with a scream, holding her hands out-

-until something hard and cold met her palms, stopping her from hitting the ground.

She paused, stuck on stupid for a second.

'_What the fuck?'_

She'd caught her balance on something- she tentatively felt along it in the dark- it was long and hard, cold. A table? No- as she ran her hands over the surface, she could feel the marks of groves carved into the wood, a series of swirls and lines she didn't know what the heck to make of in the dark. And besides, what kind of loser brought a _carved table? _She scoffed as she lowered herself down to her knees, still feeling along the long sides- until it met the ground. From her current height, whatever the hell it was- was made of wood, long, and low to the ground.

_Riiiight._

Bottom line was- she didn't know what the hell it was, nor did she care- it would have to do. And as much as she knew sleeping on this shit was _not_ going to be the same as a tempur-pedic mattress, she'd be damned if she was going to risk hurting herself trying to find something better. She still had the waning feeling of drunkenness in her, and a couple of bowls of chow to hold her out- at least until morning.

She would figure out all that other complicated shit then.

So she propped her hands up on it, and began to climb on top-

-when something icy cold, frigid metal met the soft unprotected flesh of her neck. And then-

"…_**are you here to kill me?"**_

Her first thought: _HOLY FUCK HE'S GOT A KNIFE._

The second: _I wonder if he's as sexy as he sounds._

The third: _If he is, I wonder if he'd be up to having his way with me. Hell if I've GOT to die by stab, I'll be damned if I'm dying a virgin!_

Which brought her back to the first: _**HOLY FUCK HE'S GOT A KNIFE.**_

She nearly bit her tongue, her hands shooting into the air above her head, painfully aware of her pounding heart and the sudden layer of sweat that had broken out on her forehead. _But seriously, what the fuck? _What were the fucking odds that her new crash house was inhabited by some other runaway hobo? Seriously? She just couldn't get a damn break!

She'd seen enough court tv, lifetime and animal planet to know she should either haul ass, drop into the fetal position, or lie like hell.

…lie like hell it was.

"Look- whoever the hell you are- I'm going to assume you're either a hobo or a psycho- cannibal maniac- but don't get rowdy because I'd have you know I've got mad ninja skills. Jackie Chain ain't got shit on me. So the minute you decide to get stupid, I'm going to shove your head so far up your a-"

And before she could blink, she'd been shoved forward and hard against her wooden wannabe bed, so quickly the air whooshed out of her lungs- and it wasn't exactly comfortable, with a hundred ton bag already squeezing her lungs together. It took her a moment to realize that the cold, metal knife thingy was wrapped firmly around her neck- and she didn't need to be a genius to know he could snap it like a twig if he wanted.

"_**He sent…a girl?"**_

Knowing this wasn't exactly time to be an asshole, she couldn't help but puff up at the speculating note in his tone- even if his voice did make her feel like there was a party in her tummy. Or maybe that flighty butterfly feeling was just gas.

"Look dammit- I've been through too much shit tonight to deal with whoever the hell you are. I've assaulted my father, ran a marathon half naked, stopped my fiancé from having kids, sent a couple of old people to the hospital, stole my family treasure, fought an army of goons, and broken out of my own house. Right now, all I want is some damn sleep. You can kill or rape me tomorrow or whatever, but please…let me stay here with you for now will ya?"

There was a long pause- the kind of freaky deaky silences that made you fart just to hear some noise. She couldn't see his face, as forcibly as she had been shoved onto her stomach- so she had no fucking idea if he was about to blow her brains out or snap her neck.

She was praying he was the good kind of homeless psycho, and would take pity on her- she'd be damned if she was going to stick around this dump for long with things like this, but hell her eyes were so heavy she could barely get into her lying spirit now.

For the hell of it, she tried it one more time- her ultra super cute whiny princess girl voice, but it lost half of its effect right off the bat because he couldn't see her face.

"_Pllleeeeaaaassse? _With sprinkles and a cheery on top? I'll be good I promise! I won't even threaten to kick your ass anymore! I'm poor, defenseless, and my family abandoned me, I honestly have no where else to go…"

The grip on her- slackened. The mysterious shadow man guy silently slinked away from her, and she sat up, sucking in deep breaths of relief.

…And she nearly had to bite her tongue off to keep from smiling. _Hook, Line, and SUCKER. _Sleeping place secured (with or without his verbal consent) she heaved the pack off of her back onto the floor, popping her muscles at the sudden relief that came from dropping the weight. As she snapped her bones back into their proper place, an expression of sheer bliss crept across her face.

"Gee thanks dude! I dunno what I would've done if you hadn't let me stay- probably stay anyway, knowing me. I sure as HELL wasn't sleeping in none of those bitch trees outside. I was a princess up until a half hour ago, and I don't plan on belittling myself for a damn tree of all things, especially a bitch one. "

_**"…"**_

She stretched her arms above her head, arching her back like a cat as she bent down to scramble for a moment in her pack, discreetly wrapping her shinies in a few pairs of underwear.

"Guess you don't talk much do ya? It's cool! Since we both seem to be hiding from the world, might as well get comfy wouldn't you say? I'm Yuffie Kisa-" –_STUPID STFU! _Just in time her inner bitch stopped her from revealing her secret- had she honestly been about to say her last name? Hobos watched TV from time to time to didn't they? And even crackheads on the corner knew about the Wutais! If he knew she was a member of one of the richest families in the country, he'd probably sell her out before she could say bitchballs!

That said, she morphed the end of the sentence into a loud and grotesque cough, that quickly turned into a gag and a heave. She punched her stomach, her eyes watering from the power of her choking. She then took a few deep breathes, fanning herself and heaving with relief as if she'd just gotten herself together.

"Sorry I um…have…uh…"-A poor people disease, a poor people disease uh-"-asthma. _Yeah! _ I mean um…it hits me from time to time you know? Must be the air in here…anyway, the name's Yuffie. I think you know half of my story, so what brought you here?"

Still silent. She would've been pissed if she weren't so thick skulled and persistent.

"Pssh. You can't still be mad just because I threatened to uh…do some things to you are you? Aw c'mon! I was just f'in with ya!"

She stared into the dark with wide eyes, the silence heavy and borderline painful. Well. He was going to be an asshole about this was he? Fine. She was going to talk his effin ear off if he didn't give her a response in the next five minutes.

"…do you have something against vaginas or something? Seriously, I'm not that bad am I? I'm not (that) crazy, I'm not here to kill you or whatever- and speaking of, what would even make you think that? In fact- how long have you been here? This place seems pretty ancient, it smells like funeral dirt and burnt baby in here- hell I don't know how on earth you-"

His voice she noted, was dark. And somber. Hell, he sounded like he'd lived an eternity and buried four kids sounding like that. She frowned. What the hell was up with this guy? _**"…one night."**_

She paused. "What? You're going to have to talk louder than that!"

**_"…you can stay…one night."_**

"Yeah yeah I get it…I'll be out of your hair after that, mysterious mystery man with the good voice like a waterfall of honey. Do you get compliments often? Probably not. But you should do radio or something, with a voice like that! But hey- just because I'm complimenting you don't you get the wrong idea! I'm still a ninja you know, and I sleep with one eye open and I have mad reflexes so don't get it twisted I'll take you down if I have too!"

He thought it was okay just because he'd let her stay? OH _HELL NAW._ Yuffie Kisaragi wasn't one to forget crazy shadow men, especially when said crazy shadow men had almost scared her shitless. _Just wait. _ She thought smugly as she settled down to sleep- soon as daylight hit, she was going to _rape _this joint. Stupid shadow man wouldn't have two popsicle sticks to rub together when she was done...

As she laid herself down and began to settle in, she couldn't help but think that -psycho-who-ever-the-hell-he-was sure as heck had bet not decide to pull a fast one over on her, or she would have a foot so far up his ass he would be coughing up shoe strings.

* * *

_Or at least…that was the end goal. Funny thing about goals…I suppose I had this stupid idea in my head that I slept dainty and sweet like sleeping beauty, when I really growled and grumbled and rolled and snorted and slobbered and- yeah you get the sad, tragic fucking truth of the life that I live. Curses indeed!_

_Regardless, I was far too lost in hog heaven dreaming about male strippers with sexy voices juggling shinies to notice that I had rolled off the coffin- and I would never know of the gentle hands-well hand actually- that caught me every time and calmly placed me back in the rightful position. I wonder if he got tired of thinking what a gross, inhumane, pathetic excuse for a woman I was._

_Whatever! As long as he didn't grope my ass or pinch my cheeks I was as good as dead, booze or no booze. And somewhere lost in the bowels of deep sleep, mumbling of shinies and out of shape fiancees, I asked him what his name was. As annoying of a shit I can be, I probably did it more than once. I am a pretty persistent bitch ya know? But hell I didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and who the hell answers someone half dead anyway? Maybe he was just that lonely, too even want to talk to a bratty little shit like me. Regardless, half blind and drooling as I stumbled out the words in perhaps the most cliché mood killer ever, he answered me. And somehow I heard it, don't ask me how this shit works out._

_I heard it and...smiled in the abyss of dreams. I'll admit the grin was probably sloppy, lopsided and my breath might have smelled a little like Chinese (hell don't judge me!) but his name was...another smile, maybe this one was better. Cuter.  
_

_Vincent Valentine aye?_

_Hell even his name was hot! Like warm chocolate on skin, strawberries and ice cream, molten honey. A girl could marry a name like that! Speaking of- Yuffie Valentine? Hot damn it had a ring to it, kind of like- and then I was gone.  
_

* * *

_AN: Here I am again guys. Sorry this took so long to update, I went to college and shit got real in my life. But I have time to continue this, and I am a big fan of trash talking extra hyper potty mouth Yuffie so at the very least I would like to finish her story! I don't know if anyone is still following this, but let me know how I'm doing!  
_

_And don't worry, Yuffie will wise up, but right now she's still young, hyper, spoiled, and selfish. Her views reflect her sheltered upbringing, so she's pretty ignorant and not to worldly. She is definitely going to be a work in progress. So her views don't necessarily reflect my own, and she still has ALOT to learn.  
_

_And excuse typos its like 4 in the morning over here lol  
_

_See you guys next time!  
_

_Also: Me no own FF7. Ever. Its nice to dream though.  
_


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